Dysfunction Junction, What's Your Function?
(Poetry is pretentious, so I’m taking a break. At least that’s what I’m saying because I haven’t written any lately.)
I used to think Katie Holmes was hot. Like, super hot. Like Phoebe-Cates-coming-out-of-the-pool-in-Fast-Times-at-Ridgemont-High hot. But something strange seems to have happened this morning. Let me explain.
I have somehow found myself in the midst of an unprecedented run of watching Dawson’s Creek. (Slight pause for laughter and the few readers who just threw their laptops on the floor.) Back-to-back episodes every weekday. Two straight hours of Pacey’s disarming witticisms, Dawson’s drive-in-movie-screen forehead, Jack’s ridiculous rushing of a fraternity as an openly gay freshman (I’m not the least bit homophobic, but this just wouldn’t happen in real life, at least not at the snotty, small-town college they are attending), and Jennifer’s maddeningly mysterious omniscience. Seriously, every character is like some top-of-the-mountain oracle that casually passes around sage advice and life lessons as if they were simply a joint and a bottle of wine. Every answer to every question is ten minutes too long.
Joey: “They forgot to put cream cheese on my bagel. Is that a sign?”
Pacey: “You know, Sartre believed that all bagels were meant to die, because all they really wanted was to be English muffins. You know, whole, like they way you want to be Joey. And the cream cheese you long for is Dawson. Go now, run to him. And I hope my amateurish attempt at psychoanalyzing your love of spreadable bread condiments does not diminish the way you truly feel about him.”
To borrow a line from Kemper, it’s fairly irritating.
At least Andy’s out of the picture now. What the hell was her problem, anyway?
Back to the topic at hand. I’ve started to notice that all the cute little idiosyncrasies that used to make Joey Potter unbearably hot now just make her unbearable. The crooked-mouthed confusing look she applies to every situation used to be enough to make any hormone-fueled high-schooler pop a chubby in his Levi’s. But this is college, and that innocent, introverted aura just does not fly. I remember steering clear of girls like her in college because they either had far too much baggage or a butcher’s knife in their pocket. And then there’s the myriad of facial ticks that make her resemble Katherine Hepburn on Red Bull. Does every conversation she has have to involve twelve furious bats of the eyelashes, ten alternating eyebrow raises and five brushes of hair behind the ear? Okay, the opening sequence to every college episode does have her jogging in a tight shirt and skimpy shorts, so I got that going for me. But when does she grow up and just GET IT already?
And can we change the damn theme song?
I used to think Katie Holmes was hot. Like, super hot. Like Phoebe-Cates-coming-out-of-the-pool-in-Fast-Times-at-Ridgemont-High hot. But something strange seems to have happened this morning. Let me explain.
I have somehow found myself in the midst of an unprecedented run of watching Dawson’s Creek. (Slight pause for laughter and the few readers who just threw their laptops on the floor.) Back-to-back episodes every weekday. Two straight hours of Pacey’s disarming witticisms, Dawson’s drive-in-movie-screen forehead, Jack’s ridiculous rushing of a fraternity as an openly gay freshman (I’m not the least bit homophobic, but this just wouldn’t happen in real life, at least not at the snotty, small-town college they are attending), and Jennifer’s maddeningly mysterious omniscience. Seriously, every character is like some top-of-the-mountain oracle that casually passes around sage advice and life lessons as if they were simply a joint and a bottle of wine. Every answer to every question is ten minutes too long.
Joey: “They forgot to put cream cheese on my bagel. Is that a sign?”
Pacey: “You know, Sartre believed that all bagels were meant to die, because all they really wanted was to be English muffins. You know, whole, like they way you want to be Joey. And the cream cheese you long for is Dawson. Go now, run to him. And I hope my amateurish attempt at psychoanalyzing your love of spreadable bread condiments does not diminish the way you truly feel about him.”
To borrow a line from Kemper, it’s fairly irritating.
At least Andy’s out of the picture now. What the hell was her problem, anyway?
Back to the topic at hand. I’ve started to notice that all the cute little idiosyncrasies that used to make Joey Potter unbearably hot now just make her unbearable. The crooked-mouthed confusing look she applies to every situation used to be enough to make any hormone-fueled high-schooler pop a chubby in his Levi’s. But this is college, and that innocent, introverted aura just does not fly. I remember steering clear of girls like her in college because they either had far too much baggage or a butcher’s knife in their pocket. And then there’s the myriad of facial ticks that make her resemble Katherine Hepburn on Red Bull. Does every conversation she has have to involve twelve furious bats of the eyelashes, ten alternating eyebrow raises and five brushes of hair behind the ear? Okay, the opening sequence to every college episode does have her jogging in a tight shirt and skimpy shorts, so I got that going for me. But when does she grow up and just GET IT already?
And can we change the damn theme song?
posted by 5 at 11:06 AM
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